In case anybody cares, Kim Kardashian is single again.
To be honest I’m still not sure why she’s famous in the first place, but Kardashian made headlines this week when it was revealed that her and her boyfriend, SNL star Pete Davidson, had split. (Because we live in a society stupid enough that people actually care about that stuff).
But Kim K might not be single for long, because there’s somebody waiting in the wings, ready to take Pete Davidson’s place: Wheeler Walker Jr.
The Pussy King, the pop country killin’ machine himself, is shooting his shot at Kim Kardashian, laying out all the reasons that she should give Ol’ Wheeler a shot.
“First of all, I’m the greatest country musician on the planet.”
That’s a strong start.
But what if Kim, being a “California chick” and all, thinks that all country musicians are “closed-minded asshole rednecks?”
Well not Wheeler:
“I am not, I’m very forward thinking, very progressive.”
And to prove how progressive he is, Wheeler even has an offer for Kardashian’s dad, Caitlin Jenner (formerly Bruce Jenner):
“I’ll eat your dad’s pussy. I’ll even play with his titties. Whatever you would like. I’m a family man.”
In fact Wheeler said that this is something the future couple even has in common, something they can discuss during their first date at In-N-Out:
“You know, my dad cut his dick off too.
It was an accident, he fell off the lawnmower, but whatever.”
Wheeler also took some time to explain why he’s better than Pete Davidson:
“Pete Davidson, he’s a fucking geek. Heard he’s got a big dick but that probably gets old after awhile.
With me it’ll be a nice little vacation. Literally, a little vacation. You won’t even know I’m in there.
You’re a busy woman, a successful businesswoman, and you ain’t got time for fuckin’ all the time. I last like two seconds. You won’t even know I’m in there.”
And Wheeler also took the time to reassure Kim that he’s not just in it for her money:
“I don’t need your fucking money. I’ve saved up enough Southwest points to fly out to L.A. to meet you.
Might need some cash for the flight back. But listen, got a Starbucks card, I’ve got some Hilton points, we can take care of all this shit.”
It’s a match made in heaven. The power couple we never knew we needed. And I have a feeling that Wheeler isn’t going to take any shit from Kim K’s ex, Kanye, either.
Well Kim, what are you waiting for? Drop your number in Wheeler’s comments. This offer may not last forever – you’ve gotta think ol’ Wheeler’s got ladies throwing themselves at him.
Your move, Kardashian.